why?

I tried to name this and just gave up.

This has been sitting in my drafts for a while.

Long enough that I can't even remember what originally made me write it.

I'd open it, read a few paragraphs, make a tiny edit, close it again, overthink it, repeat.

I was actually scared of this one, felt too vulnerable.

Scared I'd be misunderstood, Scared I'd be describing a feeling I hadn't fully understood myself. Scared someone would read it and call it jealousy before I even had the chance to ask myself if that's what it was.

Maybe that's why it never left my drafts.

But it's been sitting with me for too long, so here it goes…

Have you ever liked something, told someone about it, and then slowly watched it become... their thing?

Not officially, obviously. Nobody owns an artist, Or a hobby, Or an interest, or even a platform. Yes, I know that.

But somehow, they become the person everyone thinks of when that thing comes up.

They're louder about it.

They post it.

They talk about it.

They recommend it to other people.

They're excited about it in a way that's impossible to miss.

Meanwhile, you're still there... just there, literally.

And somewhere along the way, something shifts.

At least, it does for me.

I don't stop liking the thing overnight.

I don't even make any dramatic decision to leave it behind.

I just... slowly disappear from it.

It's the strangest thing.

I'll be so excited about something. It'll become part of my routine, part of my little world. I don't usually make a big announcement when I find something I love, I just quietly enjoy it.

Then I'll tell someone because that's what you do when you find something good.

"Listen to this”

"You should try this”

"I think you'd really like it"

And I genuinely mean it, I like seeing people enjoy the things I enjoy.

But then, somehow, it becomes their thing.

Or maybe that's just the story my brain starts telling me once they're the louder one.

Either way, that's when I begin to leave.

There was an artist I used to listen to all the time, I mean all the time. Now I barely listen to them, I just recently started revisiting their songs.

Nothing happened to the artist, the music didn't get worse. I didn't wake up one morning and decide they weren't my taste anymore. I just... stopped.

When I look back, I realise it happened around the time someone else became really into them. They were posting the songs, talking about them, sharing them constantly. And before I knew it, I wasn't listening anymore.

It's almost embarrassing to admit because I didn't even notice I was doing it.

It wasn't until months later that I caught myself thinking, "Wait... when was the last time I even played one of their songs?"

Then I started thinking about other things.

And I realised this wasn't the first time.

It wasn't even the second.

I've quietly walked away from things I still genuinely liked because somewhere in my head they stopped feeling like my quiet little corner and started feeling like someone else's loud one.

Writing that sentence makes me cringe a little.

Because every time I read it back, my brain immediately goes,

"Isn't that just jealousy?", trust me I've asked myself that question more than anyone else ever could.

Maybe that's why I struggled to post this amongst many others.

Jealousy is such an uncomfortable word,It's also such an easy one.

But every time I tried to settle on it, something doesn’t fit. Because I don't want people to stop enjoying the things I introduce them to,I don't secretly hope they'll lose interest,I don't regret sharing them.

If anything, I like putting people onto things. It's one of my favourite parts of discovering something good. Something I can enjoy with someone. So why do I end up being the one who leaves?

That's the part I still don't understand.

And lately I've noticed the pattern evolving. Now, when I find something new, I don't just feel excitement, there's an hesitation too.

A tiny voice that says,

"Don't get too attached."

Not because I think someone will "steal" it, actually scrap that, I do think they might steal it and it stops being my thing. A part of me has started expecting the ending.

I'll love it quietly.

I’ll tell someone about it.

They'll love it loudly.

And somehow I'll convince myself there's less room for my version of loving it.

writing that out feels strange, ngl.

I don't know if it makes sense outside my own head. Maybe some of you are reading this thinking, "I have no idea what she's talking about” and some of you are reading this and thinking, "Wait... I feel you, I can relate."

I don't have a neat explanation for any of this,I don't even have any lesson at the end.

I just know this has lived in my drafts for a long time because admitting it felt incredibly vulnerable. It still does.

Maybe in a few months I'll understand this feeling better and realise I was completely wrong about it. Maybe I'll give it a different name. Maybe I'll laugh that I ever overthought it this much.

But today, all I can honestly say is, I've noticed I do it. I'm trying to understand why. And I'm trying really hard not to quietly walk away from the next thing I fall in love with.

If you've ever felt anything even remotely similar, I'd really love to hear about it.

Because this has lived in my drafts for a long time, and a small part of me still can't tell if I'm describing something relatively human...or I'm just the one that's weird.

You've officially been in my head for a while You might as well subscribe. 🙂